Monday, May 12, 2014

The Little Things


Ever wonder if anyone really notices you? Ever really wonder if anyone you spend time really sees you for who you really are? Though I have surrounded myself by many, at times, to fill in the gaps between loneliness, I can be sure most of their conclusions. perceptions, or impressions were little more than shadows or projections of their own inner personalities. That's assuming they are even actually around you. Most people listen to others about you, then come to their own "conclusions." How is that even possible? It's is, I guess. It's just retarded. Even if they do notice something you said or did, their belief filter translated to them what you meant to say or do which is usually never the truth. I get so down. I get frustrated. I get angry with how many cut me down with their mistaken and misguiding eyes, ears, and mouth. So I retreat into my own world to lick my wounds and regroup.

Last year I spent it in isolation. For someone who could not function without constant social entanglements to feel alive and feel as though I mattered to anyone or anything, this was a huge but necessary undertaking. I needed to stand still for once and think rather than throw out massive energy bombs around the world and run away from the scene of love I was making but didn't know how to maintain in any relationship. Deep down. I am terrified of people. I am terrified of how much they can damage you if you let them in with full embrace only to find out they wanted to be you, not your friend and are now going to take over. It's happened. Over and over. Admiration turned possessive turned single white female...... so I run. I keep the rest at arm's length, only allowing them certain aspects to keep my self protected but still give love that I so need to do. But last year, I had no more to give. I almost allowed myself to be completely consumed by the empty air around me. So in self protection and ponder I kept everyone completely out for mine and their own good. I had alot, some would say too much, to figure out. The animals became my closest confidants and sole receivers and thankfully givers of the love I had left and needed to restoke to a stronger burn within myself without the nasty fallout water other people douse on you out of competition, fear, and envy.

When spring arrived, it was time to go outside. I began to garden. I began to go on quiet walks.  I began to create my new magical space in the backyard. I set up my very necessary tweener swimming pool. Then a family moved in next door. They moved into the only space that has full access to my entire private reality I was living within. They had a 6 yr. old son, little Vihan. He never spoke. But he watched. Our back door has a squeak to it. So he knew every time I would be coming out for one reason or another. He sat on his back deck and watched every move I made  intently. At first, I figured he would get bored after a while and that would be that. So I would say hi, smile, ask a question that would never get answered, then try to forget that two eyes were on me for the remainder of the day. But it never stopped. He watched as I cleaned out the garage all by myself. He saw when I cried from time to time while doing it because the lonliness was too much. He saw how I would smile as I played with my dogs, Diesel & Rory. He saw my quiet moments in the pool just floating. He saw my complete breakdown the night Rory died in my arms by  PetSmart's Vet vaccination poisoning and I how I had to dig her grave within an hour in the backyard and how I couldn't let her go before I finally covered her little body wrapped in her pink blanket with the dirt under the cherry tree--- wailing like a mother whose heart had been literally torn out of her. He saw how I sat by her grave every night with a glass of wine and just talked to her. He saw when a freind would call me on rare occasion and I would come alive in conversation.  He saw me simply sit and think.

Throughout the summer I would travel from forgetting he was there to complete frustration from my privacy constantly being usurped by this little mini man and everywhere in between. Then he found a full out grandmaster flash mini pimp way to have his mother give me the 6 dozen flowers left over from her lady's luncheon from at her temple. I was so surprised. Flowers are one of my most favorite things. He received apples and cherries from our yard. He was so happy but never said a word. The summer was ending and the space was finally getting to where I wanted and it was just enough time to squeeze in one little celebration party, but who would come? I hardly knew anyone. Some great close neighbors and a couple old friends came and went as little Vihan watched from above quietly.

Winter came and the silence of the yard returned. I made them cookies from time to time during one of the coldest spells and dropped them in their mailbox. But I didn't see them much at all.

Now spring is here and the return into the yard is in full swing. But they are moving. I got a knock at the door the other day. Little Vihan and his mother had come to say good bye. He had in his hand a gift. He had made a beautiful wooden bird feeder that he wanted me to have for the backyard. I was speechless. It was the very one thing that the backyard lacked but needed very much. It was then that everything hit me. He noticed me. He probably knows me on a deeper level than any other ever has in my life. He cared. I was blown away by this revelation and thought to myself what an unbelievably special man he would become if he continues to use his eyes the way he did with me. If only we truly took the time to watch the ones we care about. To know what matters to them. What hurts them. What makes them come alive. What makes them suffer. What gives them joy. The little things. I am so grateful to know this little boy. I am so grateful he took the time to notice me the entire time I thought I was most alone in the world. I can now look back at that strange period of my life and remember someone watching over me with love. Thank Vihan, thank you for that overwhelming gift you gave simply by caring about the little things. See, most people watch each other long enough to see what is of value then take. He watched long enough to see what meant to me so he could give.